They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I have fence marks all over my body
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
