nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
