New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
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On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
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Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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