I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Randomize
