Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
