Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
