Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
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Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
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The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
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