So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
