New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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