You really coming over, don't trick.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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