why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
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Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.