um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
