Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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