i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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