Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Randomize
