I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I know her cup size but not her name....
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