So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
