I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
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only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
being pregnant is like rehab
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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