walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
