Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
