I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
