i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
