The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
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