were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
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I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
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NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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