Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
