I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Randomize
