I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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