Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Life is so much better after having sex.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
