i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
