Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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