We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
