I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
