It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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