today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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