i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Randomize
