I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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