So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
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