you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
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Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
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Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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