According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
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