Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
