just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
