I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
