i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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