I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
