Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
