like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
