I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
