i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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