When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
