I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
