I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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