You made me cry and you don't even care
we're chasing vodka with high fives
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
