two words: eviction party
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
